The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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