i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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