dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
