apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
