Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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