ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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