i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
