It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
