I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
