11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
