so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
