I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
