also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Can vaginas get frostbite?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
FUCK WHALES
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
