you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
it was like eating out sand paper
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
