Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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