Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
