Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
