can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
You smell like stripper and shame
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
