ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
