So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
