i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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