is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I am midnight drunk by noon
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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