Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
