When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
