And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
