Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
