Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
