Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
