i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
