Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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