dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
