WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
