I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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