i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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