he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
