i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
