Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
