i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
