I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
