my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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