just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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