Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
