update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
