who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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