The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
