Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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