I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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