Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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