I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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