it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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