Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
