I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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